So many unhealthy relationship dynamics are fueled by poor communication abilities.
As a Harvard-trained psychologist who has spent 20 years working with {couples}, I’ve discovered that essentially the most damaging strategy to talk together with your associate is with contempt.
Contempt is the assumption that an individual is beneath you, nugatory, or deserving of scorn and mock. When somebody feels contempt for his or her associate, they really feel justified in humiliating, embarrassing, or hurting them.
One phrase that displays contempt, and that I’ve seen destroy relationships essentially the most, is: “I wish we’d never met.”
Listed here are another phrases that contempt would possibly present up in:
- “You’ve ruined my life.”
- “You’re a nuisance.”
- “I don’t care about what you think or how you feel.”
- “You’re pathetic.”
- “You’re not worth my time.”
- “You owe me. I’ve put up with you for years.”
- “If we didn’t have kids, I would have left you by now.”
- “You disgust me.”
- “No one else would want you.”
Contempt can be communicated by non-verbal gestures, like dismissive physique language or dramatic eye-rolls.
All of this serves to demean the opposite individual and create an influence discrepancy. It will possibly ultimately ruin the muse of a wholesome romantic connection and result in decrease relationship satisfaction.
How you can create more healthy relationship dynamics
In the event you discover that you simply really feel some contempt in your associate, there are methods to battle it in order that it would not harm your relationship:
- Pause. If you’re feeling triggered or emotionally upset, take a second earlier than you say something. Select your phrases fastidiously and goal to speak with respect and kindness, not hurt.
- Take accountability. This contains acknowledging your decisions, your patterns, and your engagement in dysfunction.
- Apologize. Sincerely say you are sorry once you do one thing hurtful or mean-spirited.
- Be taught to argue productively. You and your associate are a staff. The purpose is to speak in ways in which acknowledge your dedication, need to attach, and mutual respect for each other.
- Faucet into your love in your associate. If you need to criticize or change them, bear in mind why you bought collectively within the first place earlier than giving constructive suggestions.
The most important piece of recommendation I give to folks is to attempt to discover gratitude. There’s at all times one thing to be discovered from discord in {our relationships}. Search for one thing optimistic which you can take away from each interplay, even when the method is unsettling.
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, is a board-certified psychologist and creator of “Letting Go of Your Ex.” She makes a speciality of love addition and breakups, and obtained her scientific coaching at Harvard Medical College. She has written nearly 50 peer-reviewed journal articles and delivered greater than 75 shows on the psychology of relationships. Comply with her on Instagram @DrCortneyWarren.
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