Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports activities Nihilist, the place all is for naught, and we’re however unintended jolts of electrified meat caught to the floor of a rock in an detached universe.
There have been as many takedowns of NBA All-Star Weekend as there have been factors within the All-Star Sport. Everybody has a repair, an answer, or a diatribe over how disgusting it was to look at the perfect basketball gamers on the planet obliterate the sport’s level whole. It will take your common Y-league group 4 video games to build up 397 factors, and these guys did it in 48 minutes.
What’s to not like?
This was basically a Harlem Globetrotters showcase however each groups had a handshake deal to play Washington Generals (Wizards?) degree protection. Are you aware how many individuals present up simply to look at Steph Curry heave half-court pictures, and fireplace from the tunnel in warmups? Thousands and thousands!
The sport actually doesn’t matter. It means nothing, like life, so Kendrick Perkins and Austin Rivers can shout about it being an insult to the sport of basketball, however these two dopes wouldn’t know as a result of they by no means appeared in a single. It’s an affront to exhibitions in all places to not placed on a present. Luka Doncic failing to self-oop? Damian Lillard profitable one other superfluous MVP award? Throw down a dunk, give a nod to the group, and pull up a chair.
No sum of money will inspire a bunch of entrepreneurs to jeopardize their predominant income stream, so NBA gamers valuing their careers over a faux recreation tracks. They actively sit out video games of consequence to protect their moneymakers. Why within the identify of Zeus’ butthole would they danger a lot as a hangnail in an exhibition?
Adam Silver isn’t the puppet grasp, he’s the marionette.
“And to the Eastern Conference All-Stars, you scored the most points,” Silver stated in the course of the trophy ceremony. “Well … congratulations.”
What’s the plan right here, Adam? Demise by 1,000,000 passive-aggressive jabs? Until the prize cash is sufficient to put Bronny VII by way of faculty, this may at all times be a scoring extravaganza, and I hope it stays the course. Add a 10-point line, elevate the edges, decrease the edges, I’m speaking a full-out MTV Rock N’ Jock expertise.
The LED courtroom has a lot potential for power-ups and boosters, and these morons are clamoring for protection? How about spectacle as a substitute? If Silver enacts one rule change, let or not it’s that, henceforth, the All-Star level whole report have to be reset yearly. Make them rating the equal of a case of cigarettes and see how a lot they like smoking after that.
Hell, incorporate the Dunk and Three-Level contests in the course of the recreation. I imply that’s the one method you’ll get All-Stars within the dunk contest. Isn’t that what these occasions are about? Faux information, sham awards, feats of athleticism and capturing, zero protection.
They already let guys dunk and shoot unimpeded, so why ought to the sport itself be any completely different? F*cking hypocrites, man.
Do away with the clock and return to the Elam Ending, however set the profitable level whole at 350. You wish to shoot apply jumpers? It’s not over till one group makes 100 threes, and 25 dunks. Give Karl-Anthony Cities an actual shot to interrupt Wilt Chamberlain’s single-game scoring mark AT ALL-STAR WEEKEND. You understand that’s the future he at all times needed.
As for the future of the All-Star Sport, the standard — or level whole — can solely go up from right here. Let or not it’s the latter.
